Theater saved my life 😞🎭😊

I have been around theater and music my whole life. I thought it was fun to watch my friends and family on stage and just a fun hobby I might look into later in life. I didnt know how much it would really impact me.
I went through a lot of medical issues, it became the norm, but then came the bullying. It all started in preschool, and it never stopped. I tried to be a positive person, thinking maybe its just that im in pain a lot, maybe I show my pain too much. I tried to make friends and show my disability isnt who I am. At 7yrs. old, on my way home from school, I started thinking about how worthless I felt. I looked at the river we lived by, and wondered if it would matter if I wheeled myself off the dock and just let myself drown. I was done with all the hurtful comments, fluids and meds being flushed in my veins, all the surgeries I went through and would go through. I thought, if im in heaven, I wont feel pain anymore. I became suicidal, but was too afraid to even go through with it. I couldnt tell my family, friends, church. I didnt know what to do. My family is amazing and they have never let me down, they have supported me through everything, there wasnt a good reason I couldnt tell them, I just couldnt though.

My grandpa was in quite a few operas at the time. I remember sitting in the audience during rehearsals and live shows, weirdly enough I looked for mistakes, it seemed natural. I found that my pain went away when I was in the theater. After my grandpa stopped theater to travel and take care of my grandma, I didnt spend much time there. I focused more on my music career and getting through life. We would go to the local theater every once in a while to see family friends, it was comforting.

I tried taking a theater class in middle school but wasnt cast in any shows. I would help with props and the sets. I fell more in love with it all, I also found it easy to memorize whole scripts, even if I wasnt supposed to. In school, I was still being bullied. I still felt helpless, no matter what I said or did, I was a target. I still had the plan to drown myself but I just couldnt. God had plans for me, even when I didnt see any future.

I didnt get to do any theater in highschool. I couldnt get onstage and I also needed to focus on getting my diploma and choosing what career I really wanted. In one of my classes, we took a career test, the first job it recommended was acting. After I graduated highschool I decided to try auditioning again. I went through several auditions, never getting cast. In 2011, I auditioned for "Pirates of the Chemotherapy" at ACT. I wasnt cast in the show, but later that night was offered a job backstage. I was so excited, but when i was offered the offstage voice in the show, I just cried. I was so happy, someone finally didnt judge me for my disability, I felt like everyone else for once. I will never ever forget the feeling I had of being part of a cast.

I have been volunteering at the same theater for the last 5 years and I have never regretted one second. My theater family looks at me like I'm just family. I feel like I can be myself, we all can. I have opened up a lot, I finally was able to tell my family about my suicidal thoughts and they helped me get the help I needed. After my last stay in portland, thinking it was all over, it was nice to know I could tell them everything. I got counciling and I didnt stop doing theater. The more work I did, i had less pain and depression. I feel like I owe everything to the theater and the family I have there. I will do anything I can for them. I thank God every day for theater and my love of acting. Without theater I dont think I would feel like I have a future.

I hope this all makes since, thanks for reading! Let me know if there is anything about me you want to know, I am an open book. Please comment anything or ask me any questions.
God Bless, love you all so much!!

A Place I know all to well

Have you ever spent a night in a hospital? I have stayed in quite a few. I should have enough points to have a weekend stay for no charge. I mostly stay in the Doernbecker Children’s Hospital in Portland. Now, I know its called children’s hospital, but if someone has Spina Bifida at any age, we get to stay in their geriatric suite. Each room has a view of Portland. Visitors can enjoy the view in the hallways. From my vantage point in bed,
I just admire what they have done with the ceilings..

         The nurses are very friendly and try to make your stay as comfortable as possible; they bring your hot meals to your rooms. The menu is long, I highly recommend the jello. The nurses would try to make the most of an embarrassing situation. There were some sanitation hazards that each nurse lovingly blamed on each other. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to hang out with someone that has movie star good looks? Well I got to, and he helped me use the restroom. Yes, some of the nurses were cute, but unfortunately they were all married.

         There was an activity room with movies and game consoles to check out. After 5 brain surgeries, only one movie was needed, Elf. I played Minecraft for the first time and my neurosurgeon came in and hung out with me; he laughed when I laughed, so I guess it was with me. Since they gave us the geriatric suite, my parents were allowed to stay in the room. Sometimes they would walk down the hill and have dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory. They would bring me back a doggy bag. I didn’t feel like a doggy, but I used the bag.

         Now if it seems like that isn’t enough details to describe the actual hospital, well its because I don’t really see much. I get rolled in and out of my room for surgery or tests on my professional grade air mattress; which was only inflated when I was plugged into a room wall socket. In the rooms, or at least mine, there were some green stars and a half moon painted above me. They look and sound simple, but at night they glowed in the dark. I was there so long that the cards and pictures from family and friends became Get-Well wallpaper.

         The thing I really enjoyed was being a medical student subject. Why not make getting an IV, a learning experience. On certain days I was able to get visits from therapy animals. I didn’t need the therapy, I just wanted to see the animals. There was a cat named Huck Finn that came once or twice a week. He was a really fluffy brown and black cat that was driven around on a rolling cart because he didn’t want to walk. He was very calm and when I pet him he would fall asleep. His owner said I was the first person to put him to sleep in 3 years. I took that as a compliment.

         All jokes aside, it’s hard to get surgeries and feel sick most days, but Doernbecker does a great job trying to make it easy. I now don’t have much of a personal bubble; you really can’t when you’re in a hospital. It’s a nice place to stay, but not so nice I want to go back.