Theater saved my life 😞🎭😊

I have been around theater and music my whole life. I thought it was fun to watch my friends and family on stage and just a fun hobby I might look into later in life. I didnt know how much it would really impact me.
I went through a lot of medical issues, it became the norm, but then came the bullying. It all started in preschool, and it never stopped. I tried to be a positive person, thinking maybe its just that im in pain a lot, maybe I show my pain too much. I tried to make friends and show my disability isnt who I am. At 7yrs. old, on my way home from school, I started thinking about how worthless I felt. I looked at the river we lived by, and wondered if it would matter if I wheeled myself off the dock and just let myself drown. I was done with all the hurtful comments, fluids and meds being flushed in my veins, all the surgeries I went through and would go through. I thought, if im in heaven, I wont feel pain anymore. I became suicidal, but was too afraid to even go through with it. I couldnt tell my family, friends, church. I didnt know what to do. My family is amazing and they have never let me down, they have supported me through everything, there wasnt a good reason I couldnt tell them, I just couldnt though.

My grandpa was in quite a few operas at the time. I remember sitting in the audience during rehearsals and live shows, weirdly enough I looked for mistakes, it seemed natural. I found that my pain went away when I was in the theater. After my grandpa stopped theater to travel and take care of my grandma, I didnt spend much time there. I focused more on my music career and getting through life. We would go to the local theater every once in a while to see family friends, it was comforting.

I tried taking a theater class in middle school but wasnt cast in any shows. I would help with props and the sets. I fell more in love with it all, I also found it easy to memorize whole scripts, even if I wasnt supposed to. In school, I was still being bullied. I still felt helpless, no matter what I said or did, I was a target. I still had the plan to drown myself but I just couldnt. God had plans for me, even when I didnt see any future.

I didnt get to do any theater in highschool. I couldnt get onstage and I also needed to focus on getting my diploma and choosing what career I really wanted. In one of my classes, we took a career test, the first job it recommended was acting. After I graduated highschool I decided to try auditioning again. I went through several auditions, never getting cast. In 2011, I auditioned for "Pirates of the Chemotherapy" at ACT. I wasnt cast in the show, but later that night was offered a job backstage. I was so excited, but when i was offered the offstage voice in the show, I just cried. I was so happy, someone finally didnt judge me for my disability, I felt like everyone else for once. I will never ever forget the feeling I had of being part of a cast.

I have been volunteering at the same theater for the last 5 years and I have never regretted one second. My theater family looks at me like I'm just family. I feel like I can be myself, we all can. I have opened up a lot, I finally was able to tell my family about my suicidal thoughts and they helped me get the help I needed. After my last stay in portland, thinking it was all over, it was nice to know I could tell them everything. I got counciling and I didnt stop doing theater. The more work I did, i had less pain and depression. I feel like I owe everything to the theater and the family I have there. I will do anything I can for them. I thank God every day for theater and my love of acting. Without theater I dont think I would feel like I have a future.

I hope this all makes since, thanks for reading! Let me know if there is anything about me you want to know, I am an open book. Please comment anything or ask me any questions.
God Bless, love you all so much!!